De alas y armaduras

There was a time, when I needed to believe, like a life mechanism, like a way to survive. I needed to believe in a place, in fairy tales, in the biggest power of the world; love. But after, while I was growing up, things got even more complicated. Nothing was like it was supposed to be. My interior went darker, in lonliness, in secret, in fear. My emotions got intense and confusing. Changing like a rollercoaster with the effects of the winter, of the rain, of the cloudy days. With my home situation. And my little, special and beautiful universe couldn't be enough like before. Enough to bring me protection, to breathe, to feel, to be in love, to live. Then, the more I walked, the more I realized that I was alone with my dark room. That any of my figures where there to support me, to listen to me, to try to know me. That no one could feel the same. The thing is, the wings that I were building all my life to runaway, never were ready to fly. And I got stuck, for so long. Nothing moved on, until one day, instead of having wings, I was using an armour and a shield. I fought my wars, like if there was one. I though I was winning, like if there was something to win. And then, another day, my dreams and reality revealed that I was so mistaken. I was fooling myself. I was trying to belive, like before. With the same naivety, crazyness and childishness. But in that road I got really hurt. To the very deep. I felt betrayed, I felt abandoned. And considering that, I had no other option than leave. Even more alone. Even more darker. With stories that hurts, with the impression that I needed to protect myself. And now, still in chaos, in the dark, with nothing that can really damage me, a part of me wants to love, wants to believe. The other part, feels it can't. Feels that I'm never going to get well, that I won't be free, that I'm never going to be ready to love someone else, that no one will be able to hold me, and love me as I am.